Identity Crisis

         Identity is a word that gets thrown around a lot these days: gender identity, sexual identity, identity with a particular group.  If something happens to disrupt our identity, we may feel lost and helpless for a while.  For the past few years, I have been dealing with health problems that have made it difficult for me to continue running.  No, nothing serious and nothing compared to what some people deal with on a daily  basis; but serious enough for me that it felt devastating!  I first started running races at the age of 12, have run several half marathons and even one full marathon, and was just about to celebrate 30 years as a runner when, suddenly and inexplicably, I could not take a few steps without gagging.  After several tests, trials and errors, I have finally figured out which medicine will control my symptoms best.  But I still cannot run.  And yes, it's very hard for me to admit that!  Running was such a big part of who I was for so many years that I never knew before this point how much I depended on it.  Over the years my mentality about running changed; instead of trying to run a certain number of times each week and set personal bests, I was perfectly content just to run whenever and wherever I could fit it in and came to enjoy the serenity of my solo runs more than the pressure of competition.  But to go from using my runs to cope with the stresses of my hectic lifestyle to not being able to run at all made me realize how much I had previously taken for granted.  I considered myself a runner; that was part of my identity.  So to have that part of me suddenly taken away was like losing a part of myself.

        As I struggle to accept my new reality, I have made a few realizations about my identity.  First, my identity is formed by all of me.  Running was just one piece of an intricate puzzle of who I am; it wasn't all of me.  My husband didn't marry me because I was a runner; in fact, that probably made no difference to him at all!  He married me because of all the unique details that make me who I am.  Our identity should be shaped more by the kind of person we are on the inside than by a certain activity or something we do at one point in our life.  The same characteristics that helped me as a runner are still there even when I'm not running:  drive, motivation, determination, to name a few.  Likewise, the lessons I learned from running will still help me when my body starts to decay: persevering through hardship and pushing myself to meet my goals, for example. 

        People may dress a particular way to achieve a certain identity.  A teen who wears all black wants to be different from his peers.  A CEO who wears only suits and ties wants others to respect his authority. But your looks are only one small part of your identity, as well.   The look we achieve and the social status that goes along with it are material factors that will fade with time.  Those who remember that their citizenship is in heaven, however, will focus more on the spiritual aspects of their identity than the material ones.

         If our identity is in Christ, others should see the fruits of the Spirit in all that we do.  Which is more important, to win an award for something we did one time, or to feel at peace anytime those around us win something because we can truly feel happy for them?  To be accepted into a certain group, or to go out of our way to show kindness to others?  To win an argument with a loved one, or to refrain from arguing by demonstrating love and patience?  To receive texts and visits when we're experiencing a difficulty, or to gently reach out to others who may be silently struggling when they least expect it? In my case, is it more important for someone to see me as a runner, or to see me as a Christian?  If we follow God with our whole heart, He will put the right people and events in our lives to bring us back when we start to lose our way.

        Another lesson I have learned is that identity doesn't come from what others do or think.  If you do something just because others are doing it but you don't actually enjoy it, it may bring about more negative consequences than positive ones.  Some parents spend hundreds of dollars a year on an activity for their children, whether it be sports, theater, or art, without first asking their children if this is something they really want!  Sometimes they even push the activity on them because it's something they (the parents) enjoy or something other families are doing.  Yet, how many of these kids actually continue that activity in the future?  If you truly enjoy something,  on the other hand, you're more likely to stick with it your whole life.  

        Lastly, I have learned to shift my perspective. There was a time that running became somewhat unhealthy for me.  Yes, I was burning calories like crazy, but at what cost?  Sometimes I stumbled through my day like a zombie because I was so determined to fit in a run that I woke up early and didn't get enough sleep.  Sometimes I obsessed over my body image and felt pressure to keep exercising no matter what.  Now I've learned that it's okay if I don't always exercise.  Healthy eating and a good night's sleep are just as important to my well-being.  After years of running on my own, now I'm focused on exercising more with my family.  And, I'm able to spend more time with them because I'm not training for races like I used to.  Instead of only seeing the dark spots in the tunnel that cause you to feel discouraged, always look for the specks of light at the end that can turn a bad mood into something more positive.

        I truly hope and pray that one day I can start running again.  But until that day comes, I'll keep striving to accept that I am a walker instead of a runner.  My identity hasn't changed, only my circumstances.  I may be slower and less active, but I am still the same hard-working, kind-hearted mother, wife, teacher and first and foremost Christian that I have always been.

A Bittersweet Interview

 Since 2003, I have been to more than ten different countries in Europe, South America, and Central America. In all of my travels, never once did I have to wait years for a visa appointment; spend hundreds of dollars on the visa application before it was even approved; or travel to a consulate to be interviewed. Actually, it was quite easy; I just had to buy a plane ticket, show up in the country, and receive a tourist visa automatically in the airport:  no questions asked.  No extra fees.  Maybe $10 once or twice in El Salvador...that's the most I remember ever having to pay. So why is it so much harder for people to visit our beautiful country than it is for us to visit theirs?  Why is it that they receive us with open arms while we jump to conclusions about the nature of their visit and make it almost impossible for them to be approved?

After years of pleading with our Mexican family to come and visit us here in the U.S., we finally convinced them to start the process.  The first step was to get a passport.  Whereas I can drive five minutes to the local post office, sign a few papers and receive my passport in the mail after just a few days, our family had to call the passport office over. and. over. and. over. again. trying to schedule an appointment... only to get the busy signal. over. and. over. and. over. again. and no way to schedule it online.  Finally, after one year of calling and waiting, they snagged an appointment in a city eight hours away, traveled by bus to an area considered extremely unsafe at the time, and got their passports.  Now we could start the application at last... hooray!!  

Before submitting the application, we had to decide where to go for the interview.  The biggest dilemma was:  choose a city much farther away with a shorter wait time, or choose a city a little bit closer with a longer wait time?  We chose a city called Matamoros which we had never been to and knew almost nothing about only because it had the shortest wait time:  two years instead of three.  But as the interview time finally drew closer, my brother-in-law started to have doubts.  He had just started a new job at the University of Chiapas and didn't want to spend $800 per person on a plane ticket to Matamoros only to be turned down.  I remember that my heart sank when I heard him explain why they should wait; I felt so disappointed and couldn't even bear to look at him.  But in hindsight, I can see that he was exactly right in making that decision.

So, we had no choice but to wait another three years for a new interview appointment in Mexico City.  My brother and mother-in-law would still have to fly to the interview, but at least it was closer than Matamoros and he would have more time to establish solid footing in his job and collect the necessary documents.  So the next step was to plan for the interview.  Everything we read about the interview process said to take documents explaining the "purpose of your trip" and your "intent to return home."  So my brother-in-law went to the interview with a letter about his job, bank statements, a letter from us explaining their travel itinerary, a document showing that he owns land in Mexico...anything he could use to show that he planned to return to Mexico after the visit.  He also watched videos about tourist visa interviews and prepared himself for how he would answer the most common questions.

But the interview was nothing like what we saw in the video...and the so called required documents were useless.  Several people were already lined up at 8a.m., and the people in charge looked stressed and uncaring.  Instead of taking the applicants to a room with privacy, they called them up to a little window and tried to shoo them away as quickly as possible.  Reminds me of the DMV!  The man at the consulate took one look at the application, took one look at my brother-in-law, asked him only two questions, and instantly denied him.  An agonizing wait of six years ended in less than five minutes.  Before my brother-in-law even had a chance to show his documents or defend himself, the interviewer was already calling "next!" in broken Spanish--as if checking out someone's groceries at Walmart:  get them in, get them out.  

Obviously there are many parts that bother me about this situation, but these are the three biggest ones:

1. It's one thing if you don't agree with someone's job, culture, background, or whatever, but that doesn't give you the right to treat them like dirt!  When my brother-in-law described to us the smug attitude the interviewer had, I truly felt ashamed to call him my fellow American.  I have a feeling he sized him up and had already made his decision before any words ever came out of his mouth, and to me that is one of the harshest forms of discrimination.

2. I can understand that they would deny my brother-in-law if he has a criminal record, suspicious social media activity (yes, they check that too before the interview!) or associations with drug dealers.  But he has none of those!  Instead, he speaks more English than most Americans can speak Spanish, works hard at two jobs (English teacher by day, manager for the family restaurants at night) and is one of the kindest, most caring people I know!  When I was studying Spanish I went to Mexico two years in a row to be immersed in the language and learn about the culture, so it's only natural that he would want the same experience with his English.

3.  We spent more than $500 for the visa application.  So I got to thinking:  if there was already a long line of people at 8a.m....after a three year wait for the appointment...and there are dozens of consulates all over Mexico doing the same thing...and the majority of people who go through that line get denied...it seems to me that the government is racking up quite a lot of money from the applicants.

You may be thinking, the title is a bittersweet interview and so far everything has been nothing but disappointments.  My mother-in-law also stepped up to the little glass window...also got asked only two questions...also never got asked to show any documents...and was approved!  So at least one person from the family will finally be able to come visit us!  We will need to work out how and where to bring her here since she cannot travel on her own and will no longer have my brother-in-law to escort her...but the good news is that she can come!  Hooray!  

I hope that after reading our family's story you understand more about how ridiculously difficult the visa process can be to come to this country, and maybe the next time you hear about someone trying to come and visit you will not be so quick to judge their situation.